dude, my boy is a party ma-chine! chicks dig him. dudes wanna hold him, and grandparents of all kinds want to nuzzle him.
this year's christmas eve party was far different than i had guessed it might be. i figured it would be a night of me, toting my gloriously dressed, wife-enhanced, christmas dolly around the house, answering questions over & over about him, and lying about it being the merriest christmas ever.
did i? no! to my delight, christmas with an infant is an excercise in freedom! i walked in, was greeted by squeals of delight (i've already come to terms with the depressing fact that they are never for me), and lo, the child was whisked away from me. i had no idea how long my little hiatus might last, so i headed straight to the eggnog to score some holiday cheer. alas, i found the dang fridge to be cheer-free. blast! what was the meaning of this??
away to the cupboard i flew like a flash,
frantically searching... looking behind corned-beef-hash.
then the light of the room, 'tween the bottles did show,
that the rum, it was there, little did i know.
when what to my bloodshot eyes should appear?
the mixture of booze, with my drink held right here.
with a little experience, so smooth & so cool,
i slugged back that sauce, and with narry a drool.
more rapid than drunkards, i poured me another,
and carried it off, to hide from the others...
...umm.... oh. sorry, got carried away there. what was i saying?
oh, yes. someone took my baby away, and i was gonna tie one on. ha! but these times are few in the first few months of parenthood, as anyone will tell you, so i was taking advantage. i had great wine, more eggnog... you get the idea. it was a nice relaxing night...
UNTIL: the melt-down began. tank went critical at some point latish in the evening, and i found myself banished to the back room, far from the eggnog, or fun of any kind, coddling my son as glared at me, angrily screaming. i was all alone. as it turns out, those dang phoneys who grab the baby as soon as you walk in give him right back the second he makes a whimper. you sissies!
i sat with him and took it like a man, but eventually jen came & resued me, doing a far better job than i could have at calming the lad down. 'course i could have calmed him too had i been blessed with breasts. it's amazing how men of all ages, even infants are always happy while eating.
in any case, the rest of the night was great, and i enjoyed as much eggnog as i could. maybe too much, because dumb as it sounds, i could swear i remember santa claus pulling up to the house in a firetruck to deliver presents. rediculous, i know, but it seems so real.
1. don't let toddlers run about with no diapers
2. don't forget to decorate the taxidermy
3. watch out or santa's fire truck
4. partying with wilco members is fun, even if you're not cool.
all things considered, christmas was great this year... well thought out gifts, lots of family, and very little in the way of those unavoidable awkward family moments. best of all of course, was that it was bennett's first christmas, and while he cared far more about getting his meals on schedule than he did about presents or eggnog, it was wonderful to show him off. plus he offsets any unwanted attention on us, his parents.
speaking of whom, the boys father was an embarrassment! forgetting to do my part, i left 90% of the responsibility to his mother. who, as always, handled it with utmost grace. i did manage to take him for about 1/2 hour when he had his melt down, but soon realized that he needed his mommy after all, and had to summon her.
of course, she said not a negative word, and came in to settle him. dangit. where can i get ahold of a pair of boobs with which to satisfy the boy?!?! but after he was satiated, he promptly returned to his pre-melt down state, and was happy the remainder of the night. leaving me to lament my lack of breasts over my eggnog... or anywhere else for that matter. ha! i'm funny.
No comments:
Post a Comment