now what?

it's 2007 now, and the world is moving on. frankly, i'm annoyed by this. should not the world be putting its otherwise unimpotant life on hold in order to fawn over & coddle my insanely cute child??

apparently not... the bastards. but i think i'm learning to cope. things are slowly getting back to normal. jen will go back to work in about a month, you'd think i'd finally be beginning to see how i fit into my role as a bennett's dad.

but, that's kind of the weird thing. as i type this, i am on my couch. jen is sitting at the other end reading the newspaper, and bennett is cutely cooing between us (seriously... the cutest baby EVER). and there you are; my new life. only i can't help actually not feeling like a parent. there's a baby here, and i take care of him, true. i've heard other new dad's say they feel like someone is going to come get the kid. i get that, but it's not what i'm feeling. for me its more like the family is jen & i, oh, and we've been caring for this little baby, too.

it's not like i expect someone else (his REAL parents) to come and fetch him... but somehow i also don't think of us as a family of three yet. i feel so guilty! recently, i caught myself answering 'no' on a questionaire that asked if i had any children! what the crap does that mean?!?! i'll tell you what it means... i'm a lousy dad, and we're all gonna end up in a crack house, selling our kidneys for extra drug money.

of course i may be overreacting. after all, i think a couple of other guys have gone through this before me. i even know a few who i would have categorized as were less capable than i (no, really!), but who actually raised fairly normal kids. if their kids don't live in crack houses, there's at least a decent chance tank will make it, too.

so how do i proceed? what makes the difference early on between a good dad and a guy who has a kid in the house? i'm wrestling with this a little because we are still working to come up with a working model for how to balance being a couple with being parents. those are two very different roles! being called to be both is very confusing specifically because of this contrast.

an example: we bought a little house in 2004. it was a serious fixer-upper. it took every penny we could muster, and it was still probably the cheapest place in town. we have put a lot of blood sweat and tears into the place (and continue to do so) to get it in good repair and looking the way we like.

we've got a lot closer to having a house that reflects our style & personalities. we really like it (even if it is still the tiniest little dump in town), and we're never more relaxed than we are while slouched in our big fluffy couch in our cozy little house. then along comes tank. as anyone with kids can tell you, you get completely inundated with tons of "essential" baby gear which you can apparently absolutely not get by without. (evidently, the children of every generation born before 1930 were aided by devine intervention in order to be able to survive without colorful plastic activity mats, and exersaucers.)

so who are we now? are we the same a couple whose personalities are represented by the styles and colors we chose for our house? the couple who loves having close friends over for dinner becuase jen is a great cook, and because i love to be social? or are we "bennett's parents", whose house is full to the brim with toys, playmats, swings, jumpers, and other miscellanious (and oh-so-necessary) paraphenalia? i begin to feel like i'm losing my identity while my own sense of style and self-appraisal slips beneath the horizon.

and that's just the matter of the house. then there's social engagements, how family treats you, saturday mornings, church involvement, travel decisions... they all change. all in all, i am happy for the change- i desperately needed it... but how do i keep from losing my own identity??

i believe very strongly that the best way to be a great parent is to be a great spouse.

i think that when children see parents who are affectionate with, and respectful to one another they feel more secure in the family. i know from experience that children believe what the see, not what you tell them. they will pray if you pray, not if you tell them to do it. honest to god, i'm convinced that putting your kids before your marriage is definitely to the detriment of your marriage. it is, in my arguably uneducated opinion, a potential family death sentence. (not that there aren't times when one or the other requires the bulk of your attention for a time... perhaps even for an extended time.)

yet, it is hard to remember to be a couple when faced with the overwhelming time consumption of having an infant in the house. your every thought and schedule is based around the needs of the baby, and if you get time for something else not baby related, it is often curtailed, or you are just plain exhausted and don't feel like expending energy. how in the world are you supposed to balance that?

as we talk it out and make efforts we improve, but man... i ask ya: now what?