morning glory

bad music blares from the alarm-clock radio on my nightstand and i slap it for the third time. sunlinght slips in through the gaps around the edges of the bedroom curtains and paints pinstripes of golden early morning light across the quilt. i swig from my water bottle and roll back over onto the bed. i grab jen and pull her in close to me, and for just a few more minutes.... i bask.

during these early morning moments, i am usually convinced that prayer is not just what we think it is. we often imagine prayer as a "verbal" conversation with god, but i have come to see during this 10 minutes or so i get every morning that just lying there basking in his glory is also prayer. just understanding the gift of the contentedness of that moment as being a gift that is just for me is totally prayer. a gift from god just for me! i enjoy that time of the day so much that it practically has a gift tag with familiar handwriting printed neatly on it that says, "to christian, with love from your heavenly father."

in those few minutes i don't form coherent words or compile complex thoughts about those things i want to talk to god about, but i am praising him anyway, simply by enjoying him in his gifts. this goes on until we begin to hear strange little noises from down the hall. a small voice, speaking what can only be deep spiritual chants...

"da-da-da-da-da-da-da.... hisssssssssss. gra? aahhwuuuuuaaaaaa!!!!"

simple, & beautiful sounds wafting to us from the nursery. and, with any luck there is no grunting. (non-parents: grunting means significantly less enjoyable diaper changes).

we lie there and smile to ourselves as we listen. they're just little sounds, murmurings really. made as bennett plays happily in his crib. can't explain why, but it's one of my favorite sounds in the world. i dunno why- just because i love him maybe. or maybe because he's not thinking about what he's going to do in an hour, or worrying where he's going to go, or what happened last night. he only knows that he's just awake, and enjoying himself. he's happy & healthy, safe & warm. best part is, we get to be the ones who provide those things for him. he doesn't know that, and it's ok with us. what a beautiful metaphore for our relationship to god. i am learning so muchg about the heart of god just by getting to look after bennett.

ok, so hearing him awake lifts our hearts enough to help us get out of bed, and grin at each other and creep down the hall towards his room, making subtle efforts to get in front of each other to be the first to get there to see him. we put off peeing, and wait on brewing the coffee. as we get to bennett's room, we tip-toe to the doorway, and lean forward to peer around the corner at his crib. usually, we manage to both do it at the same time, probably looking like a three stooges clip.

this is the best moment of my day. if he doesn't notice us right away, we make a little sound of some kind, and you can hear him stop and listen. the rustling of sheets quiets for a few seconds, then begins again, and a second later we see his little eyes pop up over the crib bumper. we're grinning ear to ear now, like idiots but we don't care. he'll reach up and grab the vertical bars on the crib and pull himself upright. then comes the best part... with sleepy eyes and tussled hair, he smiles. you can just see the corners of his mouth widening behind his binkey. words will never allow for the expression of the feeling in my heart at that moment every morning.

then we compete some more over who gets to go in and take him out of the crib. we pick him up and hug & tickle him until he giggles. after a minute we change him and make some coffee, and settle onto the couch for a little while to talk and play before we have to head out for the day. not every morning is perfect. sometimes we're rushed, and sometimes there is other work to be done, and rarely i miss it altogether. but whatever time i get is absolutely the best part of my day. i know it can't last; i kno soon he'll be a bear to get out of bed in the morning, so i'm soaking it up now, while the sweetness lasts.
dude, i can't believe how worried i was about this! what a waste of energy that was! i love being bennett's dad! god has given me this chance to reflect who he is for this little guy, and i won't get to do it for long. he's on loan to me, and eventually i'll have to let him go. that's ok. i'll have jen, and we'll still have our time before the alarm clock goes off. she'll just have to pretend not to see my teeth on the nightstand, or to notice the aroma of ben-gay.

but for now, like always, my opportunity to serve god by serving someone other than myself has resulted in the kind of soul-deep joy i have yearned for my whole life. i now understand i can never find expect to find it when seeking to please myself. what an incredible gift.